Deciding to be a Single Mother by Choice -first thoughts

Where does one start to contemplate this decision?

Well things with the neighbor have been heating up. He came over for wine and to “gossip about the people in the building” and we ended up making out like…well like people his age. In their 20s. When nights could still be late and consequences were not totally contemplated in the moment. Consequences be damned, he is a damn good kisser, and it’s a bit rare that you find a gem of a man who doesn’t even mind kissing for hours, without it leading to sex.

Despite this little spark in my otherwise desolate romantic life, I’m still freaking the F$%^ out about meeting someone in time. So back to the baby stuff for a beat. When I started looking into the egg freezing, it was required that I meet with a fertility-clinic approved counselor to make sure that I was mentally game for whatever lay ahead. The woman I met with was like an old friend who had gone through her own set of fertility issues. So I decided to go back and see if I couldn’t work out this “should I be a single parent/freeze my eggs/become a Savvy Auntie” dilemma while I simultaneously dated like a madwoman.

The counselor

It was again like meeting with an old friend until I had to hand over a cheque at the end. I cried almost from the moment I sat down as I relayed all of my anxieties. She listened mostly, but then asked me a key question:

“What percentage surety do you think you need before you proceed with having a kid on your own?”

“I don’t know, 100%?”

She smiled knowingly. “Just to let you know…most people never get to 100%. Having a kid is a big, scary thing and at some point it’s a matter of throwing caution to the wind making a decision. Or having that decision made for you. Most people are not at 100%. What percentage could you be comfortable with?

Photo by Victoria Borodinova on Pexels.com[/caption]

“Maaaaybe 80% then?”

“And where would you say you are now?”

“I think I’m at about 60%.” You see choosing the difficulties that come with having a kid on your own is not an easy decision. If you become a single parent, you deal with it. But choosing to be one comes with a whole other set of considerations. It almost seems insane. Which of course decreases the percentage certainty by loads.

“Okay, so we are working at potentially getting you from a 60% to 80%…that 20% difference. Let’s focus on activities we can do to get you there.”

Activities. I like activities. Action. Things that bring me closer to something…anything. And out of the anxiety paralysis I often find myself in.

Activities to pursue to get comfortable with the idea of becoming a single parent by choice (at least what I’m going to do):

• Attending a single mother’s by choice support group (they have a picnic coming up)
• Read articles by other women going through this whole decision dilemma (namely read the Otherhood by Melanie Notkin — founder of Savvy Auntie)
• Follow-up with the fertility doctor (even though they pissed me off) just to keep tabs on things and look at other options
• Do some meditation around key questions: What will my life look like as a single parent? Do I want a relationship or a child more in this life? You know…very easy to answer questions. :)

I think that’s enough for now. I still don’t feel certain about anything at all. But I also feel like the more information I get and the more questions I contemplate, the better chances they will all magically converge into a decision that is right for me:

Information + time + intuition = the right decision.

I’m off to a destination wedding this weekend — wish me luck. It’s a kid-friendly wedding at a kid-friendly resort and I’m in a “Group Chat” right now where one of my friends lucky enough to have kids is complaining about packing for said kids. I know…it’s all relative. We all have our things. I’m sure packing for kids is a nightmare. I can barely get myself out of the door. But some days it’s harder than others to not be annoyed by this. So I’m going to try to re-frame and see the positive. All I have to worry about is packing the right amount of Instagram-worthy outfits for myself. Of course, in the middle of trying to figure out this single parent thing, I need/want to get better at dating, so one of my beach reads is “Get the Guy” by dating “guru” Matthew Hussey.

What are you reading to get aces on the dating or figure out this whole single parent option situation?

Talk to you on the flip side!