Just get over it already: tips on dealing with the break up blues around V-day
Sitting on the train the other day I couldn’t help but overhear a loud conversation (lesson to take the quiet train during rush hour). I was trying hard to stay out of it, but one statement bounced out of their conversation bubble and hit me square on the head: “She’s 37 so time is running out. If she wants to have a kid, she’d better do it yesterday.” I’m 38 of course. So I’m guessing I should just hang up my pipe dream of having a kid? What is she, a doctor? Oy vey. The shitty things people say when they think no one impacted is listening. Often words (even the truest ones) hurt, and it’s necessary to ignore them in the honour of hope.
The improbable affair between my old and barren self and my hot and fertile neighbour is over as fast and as furiously as it started. Obviously. Inevitably. But man what a whirlwind the last two weeks have been. It’s one of those moments where you live the entire life of a full-blown relationship in a very short period of time.
We had one blissful week after a long talk. I had stated that I couldn’t take all of the anxiety around what we were and if he was going to surprise me with the sounds of sex from behind the paper-thin bedroom walls. I said I needed to call it quits. He said that he wasn’t ready to end things and that maybe we should try being exclusive to see where that went (I might have made this an ultimatum…can’t quite remember now. It’s all a big sad blur of red wine and tears). So we had this blissful week where he was normal and there was no anxiety. He messaged like he wanted to message. He seemed giddy to see me. He took me to dinner. We did ordinary stuff that he’d always tried to avoid for fear that it seemed to “couple-y.”
Disappearing act
But then it happened again. Not the sex on the other side of the wall. But the disappearing act. He got busy one week with work and went completely absent (which is super fun when you can hear him on the other side of the wall). When pressed for a simple message to let me know he was cool, I got a cryptic, “I feel bad about how I’m behaving.” And that’s it, that’s all.
I felt nauseous with the back and forth. The whiplash of his attentions. He had mentioned in the past that he thought he might have some BiPolar tendencies. That he had moments where he couldn’t wait to see me and others where he wanted to avoid all humans. In an extreme way. I tried to convince him that this was normal. But maybe it wasn’t.
After his work busy-ness ended, I suggested that we either hang out or have another “talk.” We had the talk. He said it wasn’t working. That we tried. I said “Are you fucking kidding me? How is one week of ‘normal’ trying anything at all?” He went on to explain that he really just didn’t want to be accountable to anyone right now. That he wanted to focus on sorting out his career. It also came up that his ex, who had been trying to get back together with him (which I of course heard on the other side of my bedroom wall), was pregnant with someone else’s (or so she says) baby. Likely a trigger for him as the reason they originally broke up was that she wanted a baby straight away and he wasn’t ready.
So we ended it. I cried all weekend (maybe not so much for him, but for the loss of the what felt like the idea of something I really wanted). Then we had another talk. This one ended with kisses and a plan to give it a couple of weeks and then talk again. Two days later, another hang out…and a blow-up to end all thoughts of us having a “cool” relationship when he got back from Europe.
What happens in Europe stays in Europe…
Oh wait, did I mention in the middle of all of this he was planning a trip to Europe? With a girl. A girl friend (we all know about “girl space friends”) whom he’d hooked up with in the past. And every time I asked him for details he would avoid avoid avoid. Sketchy to say the least. Why do guys always end up being the same in the end? Why can’t I just get on the bandwagon and entertain non-monogamy or open relationships or other relationship time-shares?
I know, I know. You’re reading this and you’re like, “Emma. Ffs. This guy is wearing a suit made of red flags. Run for the hills. Start the car!!!” But I have this thing with chemistry. With romance. With attaching myself to the things that don’t get me any nearer to my goals but are really fun and intense. Some (therapists) would call this the child in me sitting squarely in the driver’s seat. Whatever the reason, I now have to plan on how to navigate around this heartbreak in close quarters without losing my mind. I once read this essay on how to let go of a past loves. One of the suggestions was to change your environment. Move if you have to. Change jobs if he works with you. Oh, did I tell you that he also just accepted a job near me? Two blocks away. So now we’re also sharing the subway in the morning. Could I have set this up any more perfectly? So I have to move apartments and my job?
What now?
Obviously not, but I’ve had to come up with a list of “getting over the neighbour that you stupidly dated despite
everyone warning against it and you knowing full well it would end badly” tips to try and get through this next bit. Though I fear that for every step I take forward, one squeak from him on the other side of the wall will bring me back into the throws of break-up/rejection misery.
- Forgive yourself for “stupidly dating your neighbour despite everyone warning against it and you knowing full well it would end badly.”
- Remind yourself that he’s a shitty person (even when he’s not…but in this case, he is) and of the shitty way he treated you.
- Invite someone new over and make a lot of noise (provided you are okay with any retaliatory actions, which I don’t think I am). I even went to a wedding the other week and brought someone else home, but couldn’t bring myself to do the deed in my bedroom. It felt cruel, even though he did it to me. Which gives me some insight I guess in to the kind of person he is. And also makes me think I might need to move my bed to the living room.
- Make plans to go out. This might break the bank and can’t last forever…but at least in these early days.
- Have emergency he’s-having-sex-in-the-next-room plans. Cocoon on the couch, go for a run, stay at someone’s house for the night.
- Put something on the wall (a new painting in my case) so that you can’t obsessively track his behaviour by listening through the bedroom wall.
- Have speakers set up around the apartment that you can turn on at a moment’s notice when you start hearing something you don’t want to. Earplugs set around the apartment are good too.
- Stop listening to sad songs. They can only say so much. Put on that positive high vibe stuff and be around high vibe people and things.
- Start something new that you’ve always wanted to try- distraction is the watchword.
- Even though you don’t want to, start online dating again. No better way to get over someone than by getting under someone else as they say.
- Be mindful. Whenever your mind jumps to him hanging steps away from you in his apartment, draw your mind back to something in the moment. Something you are smelling, the feeling of the clothes on your skin, etc. Mindfulness meditation. Easy as pie.
- Picture someone else living next door (this works well until you bump into him in the hall).
- Practice how you want to be in any interactions with him to be so that you don’t become a hermit for fear of running into him in the hall.
- And best of all, every time you think about this whole thing sadly, repeat the mantra: “Now I am open now to receive the love I deserve.”
And above all accept that he doesn’t want you. Not now. Not enough. It sucks. It’s rejection. But why would you want someone who doesn’t want you? It’s not logical.
To stay sane, I have to remind myself of all his shitty stuff. That really, being with him was a step away from what I wanted instead of a step forward. I’ve made a list and try to remind myself regularly of the areas where he’s not great. Where he wasn’t giving me even a small dose of what I want or need and frankly anyone would deserve. But still, I think I need a drink…
How do you get over heartbreak when it’s close to home?
Originally posted in www.datingonadeadline.com -check out more stories there!
